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Post by Kender on Jan 5, 2005 12:59:09 GMT -5
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. See also The Freakin Brothers (in no way related to the joke above) |
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Post by outgirl on Jan 6, 2005 9:29:40 GMT -5
Too funny kender
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Post by Kender on Jan 8, 2005 15:36:03 GMT -5
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Post by Kender on Jan 8, 2005 15:41:40 GMT -5
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Post by Kender on Jan 9, 2005 1:40:16 GMT -5
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Post by outgirl on Jan 10, 2005 5:52:53 GMT -5
oooh...some of that not so funny
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Post by whatever on Jan 10, 2005 8:49:48 GMT -5
mouth still hanging open 's too early  Too funny Kender!! Thanks!  Wonder if they really do have big...nevermind ; ) |
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Post by Kender on Jan 10, 2005 12:08:06 GMT -5
oooh...some of that not so funny I'm guessing that you're referring to the ER picture. Yeah, I don't think that was intended to be funny. It does fit in the "So you had a bad day..." series, though. |
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Post by outgirl on Jan 10, 2005 14:26:15 GMT -5
I'm guessing that you're referring to the ER picture. Yeah, I don't think that was intended to be funny. It does fit in the "So you had a bad day..." series, though. Well, actually the deer through the window looked a little more deadly to me. But yes, all of them woud definately constitute a bad day, lol. |
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Post by whatever on Jan 11, 2005 7:28:03 GMT -5
Oh man, try thinking about a moose. I was always aware of that, driving in Alaska. Those suckers are bigger than horses, at the shoulder if not by outweighing them I'd say...and when they get hit, well, it's real ugly and fatal. Then there was this movie, but nevermind, it's way too early for that much blood and glass
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Post by Kender on Jan 24, 2005 1:52:32 GMT -5
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer takes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" (I love this part...)
"Only when he's been drinking." she says.......
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Post by Kender on Jan 24, 2005 1:56:08 GMT -5
1. HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
2. HIS DIARY
Today the Rams lost, but at least I got laid.
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Post by outgirl on Jan 24, 2005 2:32:36 GMT -5
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Post by RS Davis on Jan 24, 2005 15:35:52 GMT -5
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Post by Kender on Jan 25, 2005 0:27:38 GMT -5
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