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Post by Kender on Jan 25, 2005 1:15:30 GMT -5
You might be a redneck Jedi if... [/li][li]You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." [/li][li]Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. [/li][li]You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. [/li][li]At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. [/li][li]You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder. [/li][li]You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. [/li][li]You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. [/li][li]You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit. [/li][li]The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. [/li][li]Wookies are offended by your B.O. [/li][li]You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. [/li][li]You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. [/li][li]Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." [/li][li]You've ever heard "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle!" [/li][li]You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. [/li][li]You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder. [/li][li]Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. [/li][li]You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees." [/li][li]You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. [/li][li]You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck. [/li][li]You have ever used the Force to cheat at fishing or bowling. [/li][li]You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene. [/li][li]You ever fell in love with your sister. [/li][li]In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right." [/li][li]You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks [/li][li]You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light. [/li][li]You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth. [/li][li]You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets  |
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Post by Kender on Jan 25, 2005 11:50:44 GMT -5
Blind Pilots
The rear entry door to the plane opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into! the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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Post by Kender on Jan 25, 2005 18:26:01 GMT -5
Ok, this one is a little late, but...  |
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Post by Kender on Feb 5, 2005 18:06:24 GMT -5
IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have
been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy
Shaughnessy?
Yes, Father, it is.
And, who was the woman you were with?
I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want
to ruin her reputation.
Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda
O'Malley?
I cannot say.
Was it Patricia Kelly?
I'll never tell.
Was it Sheilah O'Brien?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.
Was it Kathleen Morgan?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Fiona Grogan, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're a
steadfast lad,Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that.
But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot
attend church mass for three months. Be off with you
now.
Timmy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
What'd you get?
Three month's vacation and five good leads!
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Post by dr snootch on Feb 7, 2005 15:35:51 GMT -5
IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy? Yes, Father, it is. And, who was the woman you were with? I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley? I cannot say. Was it Patricia Kelly? I'll never tell. Was it Sheilah O'Brien? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Kathleen Morgan? My lips are sealed. Was it Fiona Grogan, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're a steadfast lad,Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now. Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Three month's vacation and five good leads! That was freakin' hilarious  In response to: Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.Not to be one of those annoying correct-y people, but it was actually Princess Leia, not Luke, that killed Jabba the Hutt. God, I am such a geek! |
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Post by Kender on Feb 7, 2005 21:09:12 GMT -5
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So, the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" , she said.
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Mary." she replied.
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Post by whatever on Feb 8, 2005 6:06:54 GMT -5
My fav "You've ever heard "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle!" 'cause my family's from Arkansas. 
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Post by n2nsites on Feb 8, 2005 13:55:18 GMT -5
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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Post by Kender on Feb 8, 2005 20:24:35 GMT -5
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.
One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all.
Then the phone rings...its Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No......."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX"
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Post by Kender on Feb 9, 2005 17:09:59 GMT -5
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget show up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized mare. "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeths, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows
him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the mare's female part, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
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Post by outgirl on Feb 12, 2005 11:37:57 GMT -5
blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things....
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Post by outgirl on Feb 12, 2005 11:38:42 GMT -5
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things....
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Post by Kender on Mar 12, 2005 13:58:59 GMT -5
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Post by whatever on Mar 12, 2005 16:54:12 GMT -5
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things.... 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." That last one was funny too Kender...but it made me think of death in childbirth and how women used live less than men and how the one advance in womens health in the last 100 years makes some guys think we have an unfair advantage and how I had to explain all this to my son because no one even remembers women used to live shorter than men and ... this one sounded funnier ...I was born on a Wednesday too |
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Post by Kender on Mar 12, 2005 22:59:52 GMT -5
Little Johnny strikes again..
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was facinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
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...when he's around
