Post by RS Davis on Jun 23, 2004 18:25:46 GMT -5
The “Curious Guy” and the “Offended Woman”
By Dorothy Ainsworth
The March/April issue of BHM magazine came out with me on the cover and my house-building story inside. I was happy to have the opportunity to share my story and hopefully inspire other people to build their own houses, and also thrilled that it was the cover story!
The “curious guy”
Then the first email came in. It was from a man who asked “Are they real?” (referring to certain physical anomalies). Dave at BHM asked whether I wanted to answer it or ignore it. Because I always look for the humor in any situation, my first reaction was to banter. I immediately thought of a few light-hearted retorts and fired them off to Dave to choose from, a not-so-funny one being just the word: “Genetics”. The guy’s tactless question didn’t really bother me because I’m basically good-natured, I love being a woman, and I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assumed this “curious guy” was just trying to be funny with his one-liner, and he let his biology override good taste. Maybe he’s had a lot of disappointments in his life over things not being what they seem (who hasn’t!) and he’s cynical. Who knows? We could speculate all day.
I’m not excusing him, but in spite of all the cultural pressures to be politically correct these days, sometimes a man is a man is a man, and even a nice guy can forget his manners. I was a waitress for 40 years and I learned to laugh off almost everything and to give people enough rope to hang themselves, which they always DID.
The offending cover photo
But later on, and being the philosophical type, I got to thinking a little deeper about it: What if THIS guy had busted HIS behind developing a piece of property over a 22-year period, had built a house the hard way and it burned down, and HIS smiling photo was on the cover of a magazine-- all happy because he now had his new logs to start RE-BUILDING with-- and the ONLY question I would have for him (after zeroing in on the bulge in his pants) would be: “Is that real, or do you have a penile implant?” (Sorry to have to get graphic here to make my analogy.) No one should be reduced down to two mammary glands or a penie-winkle, even in humor, so I decided not to honor his question with an answer.
I emailed Dave with this new perspective and he encouraged me to come up with (quote): “an insightful answer to address the guy’s question that, in its simplicity, reveals the way many men perceive women, no matter what their accomplishments are.” He went on to say: “This guy may represent a dismissive attitude some men hold about women.” He continued: “I’ll bet there are a lot of women out there who need a woman like you to tell them, ‘you can do it too!’--- so what if you’re feminine, so what if you need a little help from a man’s brute strength? It’s YOUR will, brains, guidance, determination, and whatever else you bring to bear that ultimately determines what does or does not get accomplished.” (Yay, Dave!)
So now I was inspired to elaborate on this very important social, cultural, and philosophical subject, but NOT in a man-bashing way.
I have a son...I have brothers...I love men, and I really believe they have a hard time proving themselves in this society. I have great compassion especially for men who struggle with their egos to the point of having to put women down to feel better about themselves. It’s very sad.
Nobody (man or woman) should have to stay stuck in “their place”. Life is all about growth and change and evolving over time. The best relationships are solid friendships where both partners are acknowledged, accepted and encouraged to develop to their fullest potential, and applaud each other every step of the way.
Unfortunately, too many relationships are not balanced, and both parties lose. One person tries to control the other, and it doesn’t last. Givers and takers attract each other like magnets, but that doesn’t last. The best combination is 2 givers trying to out-give each other!
My point is that two people working together in an atmosphere of mutual admiration and respect and cooperation can work miracles. It’s the only healthy relationship to have. I found that out the hard way myself.
I was raised in the 50’s generation that did not regard women as equals, and I was conditioned by my upbringing to dutifully accept my subservient role as wife, mother--and also full-time waitress-- for 10 years of a one-sided marriage.
I finally broke free and started the new life that I actually wanted. It was no accident that I was attracted to a younger man from THIS generation (Kirt) who automatically believed women were equals. (It helped that his parents were good examples of this too.) Our age difference did not define our relationship; our common values did. We BOTH blossomed.
In summary, a guy who has reached the level of maturity to see the whole woman, not just her body parts, is in for a friend, a partner, and a helpmate for life. Why not have it ALL?
I would advise the “curious guy” not to judge a magazine by its cover!
Continued...
By Dorothy Ainsworth
The March/April issue of BHM magazine came out with me on the cover and my house-building story inside. I was happy to have the opportunity to share my story and hopefully inspire other people to build their own houses, and also thrilled that it was the cover story!
The “curious guy”
Then the first email came in. It was from a man who asked “Are they real?” (referring to certain physical anomalies). Dave at BHM asked whether I wanted to answer it or ignore it. Because I always look for the humor in any situation, my first reaction was to banter. I immediately thought of a few light-hearted retorts and fired them off to Dave to choose from, a not-so-funny one being just the word: “Genetics”. The guy’s tactless question didn’t really bother me because I’m basically good-natured, I love being a woman, and I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assumed this “curious guy” was just trying to be funny with his one-liner, and he let his biology override good taste. Maybe he’s had a lot of disappointments in his life over things not being what they seem (who hasn’t!) and he’s cynical. Who knows? We could speculate all day.
I’m not excusing him, but in spite of all the cultural pressures to be politically correct these days, sometimes a man is a man is a man, and even a nice guy can forget his manners. I was a waitress for 40 years and I learned to laugh off almost everything and to give people enough rope to hang themselves, which they always DID.
The offending cover photo
But later on, and being the philosophical type, I got to thinking a little deeper about it: What if THIS guy had busted HIS behind developing a piece of property over a 22-year period, had built a house the hard way and it burned down, and HIS smiling photo was on the cover of a magazine-- all happy because he now had his new logs to start RE-BUILDING with-- and the ONLY question I would have for him (after zeroing in on the bulge in his pants) would be: “Is that real, or do you have a penile implant?” (Sorry to have to get graphic here to make my analogy.) No one should be reduced down to two mammary glands or a penie-winkle, even in humor, so I decided not to honor his question with an answer.
I emailed Dave with this new perspective and he encouraged me to come up with (quote): “an insightful answer to address the guy’s question that, in its simplicity, reveals the way many men perceive women, no matter what their accomplishments are.” He went on to say: “This guy may represent a dismissive attitude some men hold about women.” He continued: “I’ll bet there are a lot of women out there who need a woman like you to tell them, ‘you can do it too!’--- so what if you’re feminine, so what if you need a little help from a man’s brute strength? It’s YOUR will, brains, guidance, determination, and whatever else you bring to bear that ultimately determines what does or does not get accomplished.” (Yay, Dave!)
So now I was inspired to elaborate on this very important social, cultural, and philosophical subject, but NOT in a man-bashing way.
I have a son...I have brothers...I love men, and I really believe they have a hard time proving themselves in this society. I have great compassion especially for men who struggle with their egos to the point of having to put women down to feel better about themselves. It’s very sad.
Nobody (man or woman) should have to stay stuck in “their place”. Life is all about growth and change and evolving over time. The best relationships are solid friendships where both partners are acknowledged, accepted and encouraged to develop to their fullest potential, and applaud each other every step of the way.
Unfortunately, too many relationships are not balanced, and both parties lose. One person tries to control the other, and it doesn’t last. Givers and takers attract each other like magnets, but that doesn’t last. The best combination is 2 givers trying to out-give each other!
My point is that two people working together in an atmosphere of mutual admiration and respect and cooperation can work miracles. It’s the only healthy relationship to have. I found that out the hard way myself.
I was raised in the 50’s generation that did not regard women as equals, and I was conditioned by my upbringing to dutifully accept my subservient role as wife, mother--and also full-time waitress-- for 10 years of a one-sided marriage.
I finally broke free and started the new life that I actually wanted. It was no accident that I was attracted to a younger man from THIS generation (Kirt) who automatically believed women were equals. (It helped that his parents were good examples of this too.) Our age difference did not define our relationship; our common values did. We BOTH blossomed.
In summary, a guy who has reached the level of maturity to see the whole woman, not just her body parts, is in for a friend, a partner, and a helpmate for life. Why not have it ALL?
I would advise the “curious guy” not to judge a magazine by its cover!
Continued...
And I wonder why he gets mad......LOL