Post by RS Davis on Dec 2, 2004 12:55:56 GMT -5
"The Tasteless Screeners Awards"
by: Garry Reed
The Transportation Security Administration, that federal bureaucracy that keeps the peripatetic public safe from attack by fingernail file-flailing fanatics, threw itself a half-million dollar awards ceremony at the Grand Hyatt in DC. Expenses included $81,000 for plaques, $500 for cheese displays and $200,000 for travel and lodging. Senior executives awarded themselves bonuses averaging $16,000 apiece while one employee was presented a "lifetime achievement award" (the TSA is two years old).
While other libertarians expressed outrage at this wanton waste of taxpayer's money, this humble columnist went undercover, posing as a $90,000 a year Cosmetics Case Inspection Specialist, to bring you the following report. (All award nominees, it turns out, appeared in news articles easily accessible on the Internet.)
Highlights from the TSA Tasteless Screeners Awards Show
Best Grope, Female on Female Category
Airport: Blue Grass, Lexington, Kentucky: A female traveler claimed a female screener fondled her. "She said, 'This is something new' and she just groped my breasts," the traveler complained. (A clip is shown of the federal security director defending the screener with statements of " We have reviewed a tape of that incident" and "it was in compliance with these new guidelines." Awards ceremony attendees roar with laughter.)
Best Pat-Down by a Duo or Group
Airport: Sky Harbor, Phoenix, Arizona: A male traveler noticed that two baggage handlers who were helping with security seemed to be singling out young, attractive females traveling alone. Later, one admitted to him, "Well, we pretty much just pick the two hottest women and search them."
Best Celebrity Frisking of the Year
Airport: Heathrow, London, England: Former Dynasty star Joan Collins shouted, "Do you know who I am?" while being forced by security lackeys to remove articles of clothing in front of other passengers. (Petty governmental minions just love it when they can goad famous folks into screaming, "Do you know who I am?") Incidentally, the spokestoady's response to Ms Collin's outburst, "We regret she was upset by this routine security procedure," won the award for Best Meaningless Bureau-Babble Utterance of the Year. Some predict the line will become as quote-worthy as the now classic bureaucratese, "We do not have that information at this particular point in time."
Best Grope, Male on Female Category
Airport: Sky Harbor (again!), Phoenix, Arizona: Grinning all the way, a male screener ran his hands up the inside of a female traveler's sweater to her bra and then back down to her hips. The flight-flunky then said, "Okay, thanks." The woman said, "I just thought he was having a little too much fun."
Stupidest Confiscation of the Year
Airport: Tampa International, Florida: Teacher Kathryn Harrington faced a criminal trial and a $10,000 fine for bringing a dangerous weapon onto an airplane. The weapon was a bookmark, an 8½-inch long leather strap with weights on the ends and her monogrammed initials in the middle. Officiouscrats thought it could be used to conk someone on the noggin. Harrington was grilled, handcuffed and transported to an airport police holding cell.
Best Grope, Male on Male Category
Airport: Lindbergh Field, San Diego, California: When the steel clamps beneath Richard Mullins' gall bladder surgery scar set off a hand wand, the male screener demanded to see it. But the pettycrat wasn't convinced, and began picking at Mullins' scar. Then he helped Mullins pull his pants "down into my private area." During the pat-down Mullins claims, "He used the full cup of his hand." When the federal functionary put on gloves Mullins squawked, "Wait a second here." (Awards ceremony attendees applaud and laugh uproariously.)
Raspberry Award – TSA Spoilsport of the Year
Airport: LAX, Los Angeles, California: Actress Renee Zellweger is terrified of airport security guards handling her underwear. "They always choose to go through my stuff. They check out my phone book and then all my clothes. But I can't bear the idea of them checking out my smalls in front of me. So I send those to my home by FedEx." (Loud boos and catcalls from the baggage handlers section of the audience.)
Best Foreign Adult Comedy by an Airport Security Operation
Airport: Mackay, Queensland, Australia: The terminal was evacuated and shut down for an hour while security investigated a suspicious package emitting a strange humming noise inside a rubbish bin. But just before the bomb squad was summoned an "unidentified passenger" came forward and admitted to throwing away a "vibrating adult sex toy."
Coming soon: the TSA Obnoxious Olympics with medals awarded for Groping, Fondling, Frisking, Underwear Pawing and Tag-Team Pat-Downs.
- by Garry Reed
by: Garry Reed
The Transportation Security Administration, that federal bureaucracy that keeps the peripatetic public safe from attack by fingernail file-flailing fanatics, threw itself a half-million dollar awards ceremony at the Grand Hyatt in DC. Expenses included $81,000 for plaques, $500 for cheese displays and $200,000 for travel and lodging. Senior executives awarded themselves bonuses averaging $16,000 apiece while one employee was presented a "lifetime achievement award" (the TSA is two years old).
While other libertarians expressed outrage at this wanton waste of taxpayer's money, this humble columnist went undercover, posing as a $90,000 a year Cosmetics Case Inspection Specialist, to bring you the following report. (All award nominees, it turns out, appeared in news articles easily accessible on the Internet.)
Highlights from the TSA Tasteless Screeners Awards Show
Best Grope, Female on Female Category
Airport: Blue Grass, Lexington, Kentucky: A female traveler claimed a female screener fondled her. "She said, 'This is something new' and she just groped my breasts," the traveler complained. (A clip is shown of the federal security director defending the screener with statements of " We have reviewed a tape of that incident" and "it was in compliance with these new guidelines." Awards ceremony attendees roar with laughter.)
Best Pat-Down by a Duo or Group
Airport: Sky Harbor, Phoenix, Arizona: A male traveler noticed that two baggage handlers who were helping with security seemed to be singling out young, attractive females traveling alone. Later, one admitted to him, "Well, we pretty much just pick the two hottest women and search them."
Best Celebrity Frisking of the Year
Airport: Heathrow, London, England: Former Dynasty star Joan Collins shouted, "Do you know who I am?" while being forced by security lackeys to remove articles of clothing in front of other passengers. (Petty governmental minions just love it when they can goad famous folks into screaming, "Do you know who I am?") Incidentally, the spokestoady's response to Ms Collin's outburst, "We regret she was upset by this routine security procedure," won the award for Best Meaningless Bureau-Babble Utterance of the Year. Some predict the line will become as quote-worthy as the now classic bureaucratese, "We do not have that information at this particular point in time."
Best Grope, Male on Female Category
Airport: Sky Harbor (again!), Phoenix, Arizona: Grinning all the way, a male screener ran his hands up the inside of a female traveler's sweater to her bra and then back down to her hips. The flight-flunky then said, "Okay, thanks." The woman said, "I just thought he was having a little too much fun."
Stupidest Confiscation of the Year
Airport: Tampa International, Florida: Teacher Kathryn Harrington faced a criminal trial and a $10,000 fine for bringing a dangerous weapon onto an airplane. The weapon was a bookmark, an 8½-inch long leather strap with weights on the ends and her monogrammed initials in the middle. Officiouscrats thought it could be used to conk someone on the noggin. Harrington was grilled, handcuffed and transported to an airport police holding cell.
Best Grope, Male on Male Category
Airport: Lindbergh Field, San Diego, California: When the steel clamps beneath Richard Mullins' gall bladder surgery scar set off a hand wand, the male screener demanded to see it. But the pettycrat wasn't convinced, and began picking at Mullins' scar. Then he helped Mullins pull his pants "down into my private area." During the pat-down Mullins claims, "He used the full cup of his hand." When the federal functionary put on gloves Mullins squawked, "Wait a second here." (Awards ceremony attendees applaud and laugh uproariously.)
Raspberry Award – TSA Spoilsport of the Year
Airport: LAX, Los Angeles, California: Actress Renee Zellweger is terrified of airport security guards handling her underwear. "They always choose to go through my stuff. They check out my phone book and then all my clothes. But I can't bear the idea of them checking out my smalls in front of me. So I send those to my home by FedEx." (Loud boos and catcalls from the baggage handlers section of the audience.)
Best Foreign Adult Comedy by an Airport Security Operation
Airport: Mackay, Queensland, Australia: The terminal was evacuated and shut down for an hour while security investigated a suspicious package emitting a strange humming noise inside a rubbish bin. But just before the bomb squad was summoned an "unidentified passenger" came forward and admitted to throwing away a "vibrating adult sex toy."
Coming soon: the TSA Obnoxious Olympics with medals awarded for Groping, Fondling, Frisking, Underwear Pawing and Tag-Team Pat-Downs.
- by Garry Reed
