Post by RS Davis on Nov 27, 2004 15:18:57 GMT -5
"Partycrats Behaving Badly"
Now that the quadrennial crazy quilt called campaign season has expired, its time to peer rearward and recap the crucial issues that emerged as quintessential examples of our Great Democracy. The following news articles represent all that is great and noble about American politics.
The Naked City
Due to congressional redistricting in the Dallas area, Democrat Martin Frost and Republican Pete Sessions found themselves slugging it out for the same seat. In the grand tradition of any zing goes, Frost's forces distributed old newspaper reports about the '70s college streaking craze in which then 18-year-old Freshman Sessions joined 300 other students in baring their bottoms and other bawdy body parts. The hypocrisy is that adult Sessions wrote a column condemning the Janet Jackson Super Bowl breast-baring imbroglio. Sessions, it seems, rejects being the butt of Democrat's jokes but is okay with portraying the songbird as a booby.
Animated Intolerance
A Pennsylvania court bounced Ralph Nader from the ballot because his nominating petitions contained the names Mickey Mouse and Fred Flintstone. Apparently, discrimination against celluloid citizens is acceptable in the Keystone state.
Hoosier Daddy?
Let's see if we can get this straight. First, Kenn Gividen, Libertarian Party candidate for governor of Indiana, appeared in a public debate with his Rep and Dem opponents. Then, both major party poopers told candidate Kenny that he couldn't come out and play with them in the second debate. So the LP tattled them out to the media who turned the big boys' bullying into a bigger issue than the debate itself. After blaming each other for not playing fair, the Republicrats were embarrassed into inviting Gividen back. Then they threw a new brouhaha over the issue of heightism. The shorter guy wanted to stand on a box, or debate sitting down. Libertarian Gividen, proclaiming his mastery of advanced body ambidexterity, announced, "We simply want to express our positions" and "I can do that sitting or standing." Yeah, but can he define Objectivism while standing on one foot as Ayn Rand was once challenged to do?
Campaign Scofflaws
To get a true view of politics in America, try typing these two words into your Google: "candidate arrested."
Wayne County, Indiana: Democratic county council candidate Alex Calkins was arrested for shoplifting. But he explained that all he took was two bags of bagels: an "accomplice" took the alcohol and cleaning supplies. That should have locked in the inebriated washerwoman vote.
Thousand Oaks, California: City Council candidate Daniel Avila was not arrested for brandishing a hatchet during a city planning commission meeting. Daniel Avila was not arrested for passing out leaflets advocating a sexual attack on Bush's daughters and the assassination of the president. Daniel Avila was arrested for blaring obscenities through a bullhorn. Those Thousand Oakies do have their priorities.
Brooksville, Florida: School board candidate Adam Fraizer, youth minister at Landmark Baptist Church, was arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old girl. Fraizer is one of several candidates with ties to the same church. All claim to base their policymaking on Biblical teachings. Just how old were those chicks in the Bible anyway?
New Iberia, Louisiana: Harold Jones Jr., top vote getter for city council, was arrested for kidnapping his former girlfriend. Jones is highly qualified for the council seat. Starting in 1993, Jones has been arrested for, charged with or plea-bargained away possession of crack cocaine with intent to distribute, kicking in the door to a woman's apartment, three counts of writing bad checks, battery on a police officer, simple assault and disturbing the peace. Go Jones!
Olympia, Washington: State auditor candidate Will Baker was arrested yet again for disrupting a public meeting. The GOP apparently selected him as their last minute candidate without doing a background check. Baker has been arrested 19 times since 1992, mostly for disrupting city and county council meetings. He recently served six months in jail. The US attorney's office is suing Baker, alleging his voters guide defames two FBI agents. Good choice, Republicans.
Chicago, Illinois: Aaron Patterson, Democrat primary candidate for state House of Reps was arrested after quarreling with a pastor who told him to stop electioneering outside his soup kitchen. Patterson is a former death row inmate pardoned last year. Some people just can't stay out of trouble.
Honolulu, Hawaii: Republican state Rep Brian Blundell was arrested for allegedly groping the crotch of an undercover police officer. Governor Linda Lingle, as of last July, supported his re-election. Airport security should hire this guy.
Hope your candidate won!
- by Garry Reed
Now that the quadrennial crazy quilt called campaign season has expired, its time to peer rearward and recap the crucial issues that emerged as quintessential examples of our Great Democracy. The following news articles represent all that is great and noble about American politics.
The Naked City
Due to congressional redistricting in the Dallas area, Democrat Martin Frost and Republican Pete Sessions found themselves slugging it out for the same seat. In the grand tradition of any zing goes, Frost's forces distributed old newspaper reports about the '70s college streaking craze in which then 18-year-old Freshman Sessions joined 300 other students in baring their bottoms and other bawdy body parts. The hypocrisy is that adult Sessions wrote a column condemning the Janet Jackson Super Bowl breast-baring imbroglio. Sessions, it seems, rejects being the butt of Democrat's jokes but is okay with portraying the songbird as a booby.
Animated Intolerance
A Pennsylvania court bounced Ralph Nader from the ballot because his nominating petitions contained the names Mickey Mouse and Fred Flintstone. Apparently, discrimination against celluloid citizens is acceptable in the Keystone state.
Hoosier Daddy?
Let's see if we can get this straight. First, Kenn Gividen, Libertarian Party candidate for governor of Indiana, appeared in a public debate with his Rep and Dem opponents. Then, both major party poopers told candidate Kenny that he couldn't come out and play with them in the second debate. So the LP tattled them out to the media who turned the big boys' bullying into a bigger issue than the debate itself. After blaming each other for not playing fair, the Republicrats were embarrassed into inviting Gividen back. Then they threw a new brouhaha over the issue of heightism. The shorter guy wanted to stand on a box, or debate sitting down. Libertarian Gividen, proclaiming his mastery of advanced body ambidexterity, announced, "We simply want to express our positions" and "I can do that sitting or standing." Yeah, but can he define Objectivism while standing on one foot as Ayn Rand was once challenged to do?
Campaign Scofflaws
To get a true view of politics in America, try typing these two words into your Google: "candidate arrested."
Wayne County, Indiana: Democratic county council candidate Alex Calkins was arrested for shoplifting. But he explained that all he took was two bags of bagels: an "accomplice" took the alcohol and cleaning supplies. That should have locked in the inebriated washerwoman vote.
Thousand Oaks, California: City Council candidate Daniel Avila was not arrested for brandishing a hatchet during a city planning commission meeting. Daniel Avila was not arrested for passing out leaflets advocating a sexual attack on Bush's daughters and the assassination of the president. Daniel Avila was arrested for blaring obscenities through a bullhorn. Those Thousand Oakies do have their priorities.
Brooksville, Florida: School board candidate Adam Fraizer, youth minister at Landmark Baptist Church, was arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old girl. Fraizer is one of several candidates with ties to the same church. All claim to base their policymaking on Biblical teachings. Just how old were those chicks in the Bible anyway?
New Iberia, Louisiana: Harold Jones Jr., top vote getter for city council, was arrested for kidnapping his former girlfriend. Jones is highly qualified for the council seat. Starting in 1993, Jones has been arrested for, charged with or plea-bargained away possession of crack cocaine with intent to distribute, kicking in the door to a woman's apartment, three counts of writing bad checks, battery on a police officer, simple assault and disturbing the peace. Go Jones!
Olympia, Washington: State auditor candidate Will Baker was arrested yet again for disrupting a public meeting. The GOP apparently selected him as their last minute candidate without doing a background check. Baker has been arrested 19 times since 1992, mostly for disrupting city and county council meetings. He recently served six months in jail. The US attorney's office is suing Baker, alleging his voters guide defames two FBI agents. Good choice, Republicans.
Chicago, Illinois: Aaron Patterson, Democrat primary candidate for state House of Reps was arrested after quarreling with a pastor who told him to stop electioneering outside his soup kitchen. Patterson is a former death row inmate pardoned last year. Some people just can't stay out of trouble.
Honolulu, Hawaii: Republican state Rep Brian Blundell was arrested for allegedly groping the crotch of an undercover police officer. Governor Linda Lingle, as of last July, supported his re-election. Airport security should hire this guy.
Hope your candidate won!
- by Garry Reed
